Where’d the Happy Go?

I used to be a care-free, positive outlook kind of gal. Used to be.  Even when shit things happened I could still find something to laugh or smile about. I still laugh and smile but it’s bitter laughter and sarcastic smiles. I want to know where the happy went. Oh, I know where it went! It’s staying with the newly pregnant couples that decided it was time to have a baby and got pregnant on the first try and didn’t have any complications. Now it’s all making sense!

See? Sarcasm running rampant.

I’ve just been sort of coasting since the ectopic. I go to work, I come home, I eat… a lot ( I can now add emotional eating to the list of coping mechanisms), I watch some TV, I go to sleep. Repeat. Slowly, I’ve been returning to the land of the living. I’m surprised that my friends have not given up on me. But they are there and I am grateful.

Not much has been decided on whether we are going to try again. The Dude is on board. He wants us to keep trying. I’m the one that’s waffling. Then, when I really think about it, I know I’ll want to try again. Even if now I think I don’t want to go there, in 2, maybe 3 months time I’ll be ready. I find it amazing how resilient IFs are. Whether it’s waiting every month to get pregnant, having recurrent miscarriages, going through countless procedures, taking shitloads of hormones etc., we still keep going.

So right now, I’m taking it one day at a time. I’m taking a few months off, going back to acupuncture and also try to get the nutrition and fitness under control…well not until after Christmas. I love stuffing and sugar cookies too much to deprive myself. On a positive note (heh), I had another HSG and the tubes were clear and the uterine cavity looks normal. And the HSG didn’t even hurt this time!

Oh, and Happy, can you please come back? I miss you.

Where Do I Even Begin?

It’s been a long time…I keep meaning to post but honestly, everything is in such a shambles I haven’t had the gumption to ‘talk’ about what’s going on with me. I’ll start with what my RE said after the chemical pregnancy in August…which was not much. She basically said that there are no clear answers for a person with my particular problem, being the former septum. She did some blood work a couple of days after my period came and the results were negative.

I made an appointment for Nov. (the earliest I could get in) and thought I would just get my shit together, do some research and go in with all sorts of other things she could look at. I have short cycles so I thought maybe it’s a lining issue etc. Well, lo and behold I got pregnant the next cycle. Started spotting the day I took an hpt. The RE ordered some more blood work, it was positive and then 4 days later it had dropped significantly. Another miscarriage. WTF.

So, I’m RH neg. If I start bleeding heavily on the weekend, my RE told me I’d have to go to Emerg for a rhogam shot. Well, I started bleeding this past Sun. I went to the ER where I waited 7 hours to get the shot. Fine, but they wanted me to come in for an u/s the next morning just to make sure everything was ‘progressing’, ugh. Well I arrived at 9:30 am and am done the u/s at 11:30 am. I wait an hour and then they take me back to the ER and they start admitting me, and I’m thinking, this can’t be good if they’re admitting me. Well, sure enough, it’s ectopic, in the right tube. I wait another 6 hours for an OB consult, which never happened because they were too busy to come down. So, the ER doc makes an arrangement with the OBGYN for me to come to them so they wouldn’t have to haul ass to the ER to see me. Well, I get to the OB dept. and they’re all confused asking me what I’m doing there and accuse me of trying to ‘backdoor’ my way into the clinic and told me I “can’t just show up” there. I honestly thought The Dude was going to go all crazy ass on the on call resident. They actually had a little scrap until I told them both to shut it. I can’t even begin to tell you how upsetting this was. I felt like a piece of meat. Hello? I’m having a miscarriage for one and two, it’s potentially life threatening. What a bunch of assholes. So anyways, I get the methotrexate shot and finally get to go home…at 12:30 am.

You know, I really am starting to wonder if this is in the cards for us. It seems at every turn, my body is failing me. I just don’t know what to do.

I Mean Really…Come On

Well, there’s no good way to start this post. I was pregnant and now I’m not. What the fuck. I seriously do not know what to think. I knew probably 8 or 9 days after the ‘O’. Boobs hurt, constipation, no pre-flo zits. Also, my cycle is so predictable. If I’m not spotting by day 24, I know. I took a test 11 dpo and 12 dpo – both positive. Took one 13 and 14 dpo each getting lighter. Then, the next day  my period showed up.

Of course I’ve been trolling the internets for possibilities. One being a chromosomal problem (possible – I am of ‘advanced maternal age’); another – a uterine anomaly (check) and third – a short luteal phase (quite possibly). Now, I got the uterine anomaly under control (maybe). I tend not to trust what Dr.s tell me so maybe there is some remnants etc. Scar tissue?? Quite possibly. I just don’t know what to do. I went for a blood test today and my RE is supposed to get back to me tomorrow or Mon.

F.U.C.K. M.E.

Green Means Go

Well, I went to the doc last week and we’ve been given the green light to start trying again. No residual septum! My surgeon was pretty proud of herself. I think she was pretty close to pumping her fists in the air and letting out a ‘whoop’ but thought maybe that would be unprofessional. When I was leaving the office I heard her say to my RE that she was ‘extremely pleased’ with the u/s results. It was the first time I left my RE’s office feeling lighter and I actually had a smile on my face. For all the shit that has gone down in the last few years, it felt great to finally have some decent news.

So…we’ll see how it goes I guess!

You do the Hy Co Sy and You Turn Yourself Around

Bah! My Dr. lied to me! It hurt worse than the HSG. But  it’s done, thank gawd. The doc doing the procedure couldn’t get the tube to stay in so she had to keep shoving it up there like 5 times. I went cross-eyed everytime it was so sucky. Hopefully that is the last procedure for my poor uterus for awhile. The doctor of course has to evaluate the images but she did give me some preliminary results. She said it looks like the septum is gone; she couldn’t see any tissue hanging down. The only thing she saw was a bit of tissue at the top of my uterus. She thought this might be leftover from my period but I think it’s probably scar tissue, which would make sense. Hopefully, if I do get pregnant at some point that the eggo won’t implant there. These are only preliminary results mind you and I see my docs again in July to get the full report. But… so far so good. Phew!

Small Update for Y’all

Well, I can’t believe it’s been 6 weeks since I’ve posted. Time just goes by so fast.  To be honest, there isn’t much to update…yet. I’ve basically just been waiting until I go for an ultrasound this Tues. (23rd) to see what the deal is with the uterus. I’m going for something called a HyCoSy. I guess it’s like a saline ultrasound but with 3D technology. Hopefully they’ll be able to see if there’s anything left. Last time I had a saline ultrasound they couldn’t see jack so maybe it will be different with 3D. My surgeon didn’t want to subject me to another HSG, which is kind of her, but at least you get a pretty clear idea about what’s left. We shall see, we shall see.

Beyond all that I’ve been pretty busy. The aerial theatre group I belong to had a show so there were lots of rehearsals etc. to keep my mind off of the womb troubles. Usually we take the summer off but this year we have summer classes so I’m going to keep going with it. Hey, if I can’t be a mom then I’ll become an aerial artist extraordinaire!

Actually I’ve been really vacillating between having and not having a baby lately. Part of me thinks it’s a bit of a defense mechanism (probably) and the other part is actually scared to bring a child into this crazy world with Kim Jong Il and all his nuclear testing madness and the recession and worrying about my job, blah, blah, blah. Do any of you ever feel like this? Maybe I’m just a loon.

The Honest Scrap Award

I’ve been meaning to post this for awhile but I haven’t had a chance to sit down at the computer lately.  The dude is busy with work so he’s been hogging the damn thing. But he’s done for tonight so here’s what I was going to post a couple of weeks ago:

I’ve received an Honest Scrap Award from my buddy over at ‘Stop the World I want to get off’. Thanks Chica! Here’s the rules:

* Choose a minimum of 7 blogs that you find brilliant in content or design.

* Show the 7 winners’ names on your blog and leave a comment informing them that they have been awarded Honest Scrap.

* List at least 10 honest things about yourself.

10 Honest Things About Me:

1. I’m a nail biter. I think I even bit them in utero. I’ve tried to quit a couple of times but there’s no stopping  it. I even used that ‘awful’ tasting stuff called No Bite and then got used to the taste.

2. By day, I work in a library. By night, I’m an aerialist – a la Cirque de Soleil. If I was 10 years younger I would quit my job and go train in Montreal. But alas, my body would not be interested in supporting this dream now, that’s for sure.

3. I have an intense desire to move to New Zealand. Don’t know why. Never been but the pictures are beautiful.

4. I make jokes to mask my pain…Hmm, that sounds very sad.

5. I looooooove coffee. Love, love, love, coffee, coffee, coffee.

6. I also love paneer. If you’re not familiar, paneer is the cheese found in many Indian dishes.

7. I used to be a massage therapist.

8. I don’t like taking showers. Whoa, don’t get me wrong, I DO take them. I just find that they’re a waste of time. I wish I would wake up and be clean. Now baths on the other hand are very nice…

9. I’m a crafty gal but it takes a lot to pin me down to a project. I collect a lot of fabric but it mostly just sits there looking pretty in their tidy little piles.

10. I think about being a mom, if I’m being honest here, about 80% of the time.  Every little break my brain gets is consumed by becoming a mother. For example:

My mouth: “Here, let me check that book in for you”

My brain: “Wanna be a mother, wanna be a mother”

My mouth: “What shall we have for dinner tonight?”

My brain: “I wanna have a baby, I wanna have a baby”

And so on…

I really wish I had 7 blog pals to send this too but only a few of you read this so I’ve got 2:

Toni at Muffin and the Bear

My Girl at Wombded

You’ve been given the Honest Scrap Award Ladies!

Yay! It’s done

The surgery went off without a hitch pretty much. I’ve basically been on the couch for the last 4 days watching movies, reading and sleeping. Well, they did resect a uterine septum, which I thought was the issue, but they also found a whack load of endometriosis which I wasn’t expecting at all. I have none of the symptoms of it but it was stage 3 which is considered moderate. Weird. They lasered it all away so that’s good, as well as some abdominal adhesions. My surgeon gave me a written breakdown of what they did and I’ll find out more specific details when I go back on the 30th. For now, I’m so glad it’s done!

Thanks so much for the comments and well wishes!

And the Date Is…

So I finally have a definitive date for the surgery. It’s April 2nd. Which actually works out quite nice for me because the classes I’m taking are on hiatus that week. There’s quite a bit of preparation for this thing. I need hour by hour calendar reminders so that I remember to do everything. Here’s the breakdown:

• pregnancy test 2 days before
• clear fluids only 2 days prior to surgery
• Oral fleet (otherwise known as a laxative – ew) at noon the 2 days prior
• A drug that softens the cervix the night before
• Nothing to drink or eat (well not really eat ’cause I can only have fluids anyway) from midnight on the day before surgery.

As I’m typing this it doesn’t seem like a lot but I’ll probably forget something so I’m basically getting really anal about documenting everything and programming everything in to my cell-phone making sure to add little reminder notices. Man, I will be glad when this surgery is finished and I can get on with things. I hope it’s a success.

Hellooooooo!

Well, it’s been awhile since I last posted. With really not much to say, I thought I wouldn’t bore you all with the mundane things that have been going on. Pretty much nothing until I went to Hawaii a couple of weeks ago. It was fabulous; a much needed vacation for The Dude and I. We haven’t gone anywhere together in a couple of years except for the odd camping trip so this was good for us. We pigged out on so much great food, went on some hikes, snorkeled and swam in the ocean. Ahhh…bliss! Now back to reality…sigh.

So, I got a phone call from my RE’s office today. The tentative date for the surgery is April 2nd. Which is great, I really want to get this over with. I have to go on birth control until the surgery, which I started on Fri. When I woke up this morning, I remembered why I went off BC in the first place. My left eye was swollen…shut. That’s right, I looked like a big F.R.E.A.K. The Dude immediately laughed, out loud no less. And I don’t blame him. I looked like ‘Sloth’ from the Goonies, remember him? I’ll attach a picture of him as I don’t want to post a pic of myself (which The Dude so kindly took) but essentially, this is what it looked like. Pay close attention to the left eye.

That’s what it looked like I assure you. This started happening to me after using BC for about 10 years. I went off it 5 years ago and I forgot about this swollen eye shit. I’ve decided to give it a go for a few more days to see if it happens again. The eye’s pretty much back to normal now, thank God.